To my Church Family,
I don’t ever want you to doubt that I love you, that my devotion to you is as sure in human terms as possible. But something has changed in me about how I feel about you and the place Church has been in my life.
The past two years have brought storms to my life and family that I've never experienced before and we’ve never experienced together. And, they’ve left their mark. These events took place over a long period of time but culminated two years ago when a life event brought us together in a hospital room. Some of you understand what I’m about to describe, so I apologize in advance if this causes you distress.
Teresia woke up on a Sunday morning (Nov 2015) with chest pains. After a trip to the ER, tests were run and it was determined she probably had or was having a heart attack and needed a stent. We all gathered in her hospital room, emotions ran the gamut from shock, fear, anxiety, doubt and so many others.
In that moment God was ever faithful and revealed his presence, but also the frailty of life. I felt led to gather us and talk about what happened and the future. I talked about God’s provision but also how events like this can divide a family. The storms of life are ambivalent to you and they will smash you until you are shattered beyond recognition. God was good that year, Teresia recovered, her therapy was successful, but it was not without its lasting effects on Teresia or us.
All seemed to be going well but by summer Teresia was getting weaker, losing weight and strength. It was late October 2016 when she attended a conference with me. I was too afraid to leave her home and thought the time would allow her rest and heal. The following Monday Rebekah called me frantically at School that Teresia had collapsed in the Kitchen, Rebekah although frantic was calm enough to call an Ambulance. I made it from Woodland School in Marble Hill to the house in 12 minutes, almost beating the Ambulance.
When I arrived Teresia was comatose, eyes dilated and unresponsive. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I saw the most incredible woman I’ve ever known seemingly gone forever. I will never, ever forget that moment.
It seemed like a nightmarish repeat of a year earlier, only this time we had assumed everything was fine. After tests and several doctors visits and more tests it was determined Teresia was on some medications she no longer needed. How’s that for a kick in the pants. Teresia was healing well and no longer needed some medications and she almost died as a result! She was doing everything right and still had a close call.
One truth is apparent, had God not been with us from Oct 2015 to Nov 2016 in drawing us as a family together, had God not provided affordable insurance years earlier, had God not been with the Doctors and nurses, had God not provided transportation, had God not drawn Rebekah to care for Teresia that year and had she not been with her that morning, Teresia would not be with us today. That last fact haunts me.
I’ve been with families in the past who’ve had similar or far worse life events. I’ve held the hands of families as they turn off the machines in hospital rooms, I’ve been the first on the scene with Church members after loved ones passed, I’ve also looked into the eyes of a mother who had two still-born children in less than two years, I’ve had the funeral services of loved ones who were over 100 and for those whose coffins were small enough to be carried under your arm, I’ve been in hospital rooms when the doctors delivered bad news.
I’ve also had the greatest joy of marrying young couples and watching them begin their lives together, of being with new parents at the birth of the child, of watching a couple celebrate 50, 60 or 70 years together. I’ve had the great joy of being with families when the doctors confirmed all's well, that they’ll recover or it could have been much worse.
I’ve been doing this for 30 years, but it was the one moment seeing the love of my life almost slip through my fingers that haunts me most. I will never forget it, but I will not let it haunt me with doubt or fear. I’ve never been more sure of God’s presence or provision.
Before you think I should be a pillar of faith let’s clarify some things. First, while I don’t doubt God, I don’t have perfect faith. I don’t have perfect strength. In truth, I’ve never felt more weak or vulnerable. Teresia is the stronger of the two of us where faith is concerned. Second, I’ve become more selfish of my time with Teresia. I want to spend more time with her. Third, Teresia is the most incredible woman I know and I love her beyond even my understanding. Yes, I’m biased.
As a pastor I’ve often found myself putting the bride of Christ before my bride. Before you scold me about what it means to accept the call into ministry, walk in a Pastor’s shoes or his children’s shoes. Or his wife’s shoes. Pastor's wives & families often feel left out, even jealous that someone else is getting Dad’s time or “My Husband’s time”. Please don’t take that as resentment on my part, ANY job or occupation has the same demands. But I speak as a Pastor and as a Pastor's Kid.
The past few years I’ve re-examined myself, the time I’ve spent doing different things and why, I’m in the process of change. It has NOT been easy, but it has been worth every minute. God brought me to a hard place in my life. I was putting things before my family that I shouldn’t, I was forgetting my role as a husband and father. So, I have become selfish or at least it feels like I have because of I’ve thought for 30 years that a pastor was to act and treat the Church he was called to lead as the only thing is his life.
And I was wrong, YOU are God’s bride. He’s already saved, sanctified and redeemed you. He has a place for You, He provides for You and He watches over You, with or without a pastor. I’ve unwittingly tried to take on some of God’s roles. For that I’m truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness. The best thing I can do is to lead you to a better understanding of God, of His care and provision in your life. While I’m the Under-shepherd, Jesus is THE shepherd of the Church and I can tell you as one in His flock, He Understands Life and the storms it brings. He understands the stripes, struggles, the wounds the storms of life leave in their wake. Call on Him.
I can say without doubt God will be with you. Let Him build on that small seed of faith, Trust Him.
And most of all, relax, smell the roses, have a cup of coffee and relish the time that God gives you while on this Earth. Because if knowing God’s care and provision is this sweet in the here and now, what will it be like after you and I pass from this world into the next with Him!?
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