Divided by What You Think

    Opinions, everyone has one these days about a great many things. And, apparently, you need to have one about a great many things or you are uninformed, apathetic, prejudiced, or ignorant. Friendships you've made over the years and assumed were secure may be in jeopardy depending on your opinion about these great many things. Given how many things require an opinion, there's going to be an inevitable fallout of some kind. There's no way to please everyone and it may be that attempting to do so could very well result in pleasing no one and thereby cause a great amount of angst about these great many things for all involved. 

    Opinions have become a kind of tag or label, a way to identify an individual, categorize them and then file them away under that tag or identifier. Opinions allow us to separate, or to use a word that should cause us to pause, opinions allow us to segregate each other. They allow us to put labels and handles on each other in some form of control of a conversation or worse, have a predetermined opinion about someone based on a few tidbits, hearsay or social media posts. Many are beginning conversations with a bias before they get two sentences into a conversation. We're all pre-judged or will be the minute we open our mouths. 

    This is a zero-sum approach, there are no winners. Given the serious nature of the things we are facing, no one wins with this type of approach. We will lose if we take this approach, in truth we are already losing. We're losing the one thing we cannot afford to lose, Our Humanity. 

    Opinions make assumptions, and sometimes huge leaps Evel Knievel wouldn't attempt. They're often based on a self-perceived notion of truth. "I know the real truth about what's happening and why". We have become the sole arbiter of truth, at least as we see the world. No one knows the whole truth and most likely we'll never fully know the whole truth. We are unable to know the truth on our own. What does it matter if we don't? I assume I've lost some readers at that last statement, "How can you be so naive?!" Or, dare I say it, I may be called a "sheeple". That last term is used to identify one as someone who blindly goes along with things or worse, it indicates someone who's blindly going to their own slaughter giving up all freedoms. 

    Yet here we are, posturing, postulating, and pontificating. Conversations aren't open, they're closed before they begin. No one is listening or hearing anyone else and everyone is talking at once. There's plenty of yelling, so much yelling that everyone looks like they're pantomiming, silently voicing their opinions amidst all the noise. A lot of noise and little doing. 

    We've reached a point where having an opinion about these great many things is a prerequisite to entering a conversation, even with neighbors. Voicing your opinion in this current milieu will result in you being categorized in such a way that your relationships will be adversely affected, so you might as well go in with guns blazing!

    Opinions have become a battleground, one of total annihilation. This is largely due to a self-destructive attitude connected to a zero-sum game approach: If you agree with me, you are an ally. If you disagree with me, I will not "agree to disagree" I will destroy you, your life, and everything you hold dear and will totally wipe the earth of your putrid existence. You are the problem and I/we will fix that problem. There is little hope for a society that cannot talk without inflicting harm on itself.

    Are we at the point of no return? Not yet. So what's the answer? The answer is both simple and complicated, difficult, selfless, and infuriating: Talk and listen to each other, without prejudice or bias. Then talk and listen some more, take a break, talk and listen some more. 

    You can still have an opinion about a great many things! "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes" was sound advice from my parents. That advice is dangerous, it will humanize those you disagree with, you've been warned. The result of not taking the time to talk, to have a coherent conversation as a society is the worst a society and its citizenry can commit, dehumanizing each other. 

    This is not naive, communication is incredibly difficult. Communicating to understand someone else is the most difficult of all since you will have to at some point, see the person across from you as human, equal to the treatment you believe you deserve.  It may just change your opinion of someone. Crazy I know.

So, Talk to each other and then listen to each other. Rinse and repeat for as long as necessary. 

        

    

    

You Are Enough

Recently I was made aware of a local pastor's sermon in which he references how a woman, in particular his wife, has lost weight, wears makeup and keeps tabs of her appearance all for his sake. I am reticent to publicly make comments about another pastor's sermons, in truth this is a first for me. But having watched the video, it has since been taken down, and hearing the same "advice" from the lead pastor(s) of Hillsong, I have a few thoughts. 

I speak as the father of two daughters. You may wonder why I'm not beginning with any type of reference to my wife, we'll get to that later. Suffice it to say, my daughters are incredible. They are strong and sure of themselves, but that hasn't been without struggle. As their father I witnessed what they struggled against, not just the normal growing up and finding out who they are. They struggled as a young woman in this world because they were confronted with the unrealistic expectations of how they were "supposed" to look and act, especially how they Should Look. As if God has a preordained mold for the correct and acceptable size and shape. And if you don't fit that mold then you're broken, second rate, and you may hear some say out loud, or even worse in your own head, "if I just lost some weight or put some makeup on, then...." all the while dying on the inside so others will love them and accept them.  How many young women have sold out just to hear "You Are Enough"? Once they reach that goal, then what? You're suddenly acceptable?!  So, all a young lady has to do is to take what God has designed them and dispute the inherit beauty found in their own individualistic creation and exchange it for some temporary, worldly and unrealistic definition of beauty?!

 I'm not only taking to task what this pastor said but also what other young ladies, especially the "influencers", portray and perpetuate as the standard of beauty and therefore, acceptability. It's easy to call out this pastor and use terms such as misogynistic or patriarchal. It's easy to call out young men for buying into a false definition of beauty and then accuse them of judging young ladies by that false standard. It's too easy, it's a character weakness that goes back to Adam as he stood there in the garden and said nothing in Eve's defense as she vied with the serpent. But women have to stop tearing each other down as well. 

I'm also taking to task that idea that goes back eons about beauty and acceptability. I'll tell you what really bothers me about that sermon and those influencers as a father, I have to fight for my child's belief that They Are Enough. They are beautiful, they are incredible, they are acceptable. They are as God has designed them and that is a miracle. I had to fight for them, to encourage them, to say to them They Are Good, They Are Beautiful, They Are Enough...For ANYONE. But I'm just their dad, my words often were lost in the din of what they were hearing from the world. My faith and belief in them was many times lost in the chaos, the uncertainty, the self doubt. But I did not stop and will not stop fighting for them and will until my last breath, because they have taught me about love, beauty and strength in the face of an unseen enemy. That enemy of doubt, shame and self-loathing. And to hear a pastor state while standing in the pulpit and perpetuate that lie is nothing short of Godless. He may have made those statements in jest or to make a point, but I know what a young lady will hear when they hear when someone makes those statements, they will hear "I'm not enough". For that alone, he may need to reflect on his words and intent.

I've learned over the years a very important lesson about my daughters, it is to tell them and show them They are Enough. They are beautiful, they are amazing, they are strong. I've found those words for them to be powerful. Young woman face an indomitable foe, regardless if they're in church or not. They face the foe of self-loathing and doubt. I'm not much but I can help with that and they need each other to build up one another and not tear one another down with false expectations. And I want them to know that not all men are as selfish and immature as this pastor. Yes, I've definitely failed them. I've learned, they've helped me grow as a man, as a father. And for their love and patience I am forever grateful. 

I will reference the one passage that I believe encompasses how I feel about my wife, Proverbs 31:10-31. Teresia is incredible. She's stronger than I am, her faith is much surer and her prayer life is what sustains us. She has made where ever we've lived a Home for our family. That is beautiful, it's incredible. She is my best friend. I am nothing without her. Ask our children what they think of their mother. That is praise enough because She is Enough.

The Day After

9/11. The date has become so well known it's unnecessary to add anything, not even the year. That ought to tell how much the events that unfolded in New York, Washington D.C. & Pennsylvania has impacted the Country. It was good to see the memorial events across the Nation yesterday, I read over the PA at school a timeline of what happened on that day and the Presidential Declaration. We observed a moment of silence as well.

9/12. Doesn't have quite the same ring or impact does it? I believe 9/12 is as important if not more important than 9/11. September 11, 2001 is the day the unthinkable happened to the United States. September 12, is how WE responded. And, how we've responded every day since.

If you were to give US, the United States of America, a grade or give an assessment since September 11, 2001, what would it be? I'm not sure what I would give. I'm not defending any given position. I own a couple of guns, I've been to Conceal & Carry classes. I don't have an AR15, probably won't any time soon. It's not because I don't want one, in my case I'd probably spend the money on a new piece of technology or camera equipment. I believe strongly in the freedom to bear arms and free speech. It's that last freedom that concerns me far more than any armament I may or may not want to purchase.

Observing the US since September 11, 2001, it seems we have fought a war of words among ourselves. If I were to make an assessment solely on that, I don't think anyone is winning. In fact, I'd say everyone is yelling so loud to be heard, no one is listening. The terrorists wanted to see America crumble under it's own weight, they wanted to see the United States crushed under the hedonism that it so loathed. I don't believe that was their intention, but we are crumbling.

Why? I think the answer is found in September 12, 2001. We came together because at that time it was all or nothing. United we stand, Divided we fall. We've forgotten that simple truth. We've allowed the basest of human behaviors to flourish. We've become more selfish, we only worry about our individual needs.

Is there a fix? I think there is, but I'm not sure anyone will want to take the time. We're in the same kind of shape that I've seen in so many relationships, a lot of talking, yelling, screaming, hurt feelings and down right stubbornness. No one is going to budge an inch. NO one is listening. More importantly, no one is listening as if they care about the other person. Everyone is too preoccupied with being right and feeling justified.

September 12, 2001 many stopped and prayed, held their loved ones closer. Places of faith were filled, so many were seeking answers, peace and comfort. For the first time in a long time, this Country was THE United States of America. There were no political divides, racial or ethnic divides. People crossed aisles, reached out to ensure their neighbors were okay. Neighbor wasn't defined by a location. We were ALL Americans.

You and I need to stop everything we're doing and see our Neighbors again, see them as a friend. Someone as deserving of the freedoms we've all been blessed. We've done this before, at the cost of 3,000 lives. We owe the men and women who died on September 11, 2001 in the Twin Towers, the men and women who died trying to save them, the men and women who've suffered from their efforts on that fateful day, and the families of those men and women. We owe it to the men and women who have laid their lives on the line ever since, some paying the ultimate price.

Listen to the words of someone who watched his country torn apart by a war of words and ideologies:

"...The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Abraham Lincoln, November 19, 1863.
Gettysburg, PA

PS
Edward Everett's speech prior to Lincoln's was over two hours long. And no one remembers a word. There's a lesson there America.

Playing With Matches

People judge you, they always will. It's become apparent the older I become there will always be someone who knows exactly what you are all about. They'll have the inside scoop on your life and an understanding of why You are You. And they will be completely wrong, but so convinced of their divinely dispensed knowledge they won't believe anything else about you except what they know to be true in their hearts about YOU. Their own intrinsic insight into the human condition sets them apart from the rest of us normal, nearsighted beings.

Who am I talking about?! I'm glad you asked. I'm talking about Me, I'm talking about You, I'm talking about Everyone. We are all guilty of this type of self-righteous, hypocritical and reprehensible behavior. Before you decry modern social networks such as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, we had the National Enquirer, The Globe and Star Tabloid papers, gossip columns in discreet sections of reputable papers, Hedda Hopper, Ann Landers, and not that long ago having your own phone line in your room was all the rage. Read Jane Austin's books about 19th Century England when a simple innuendo of impropriety could ruin a life for life. 

Why are we built this way? We become giddy when we hear a juicy bit of gossip. Look at us now! Look at the news! It's tiresome and wears me out. Why do we act this way? I don't know for sure, but I have an opinion. Let me give you what I think is the real reason and I'll put it in the words of a friend who put it best, "At least they're not talking about me." I think that's it, we talk and don't feel guilty (as we should) because we don't feel the prying eyes, hurtful words, the shame, the anger or helplessness. But when that laser focus points our way we are quick to cry foul. This gossip game is nothing more than a vicious, never-ending cycle.

But it doesn't have to be, if you and I will only stop for a moment and think about what we're going to say before we say it. Am I naive? Maybe, but I'm willing to try. No, nothing has happened to me. Two things struck me this week. First, I tried to watch the news and there wasn't any news. Plenty of hate, strong opinions, political posturing, etc. I may complain to my TV provider about a refund on those channels (ALL news channels). And second, I was reading chapter 3 in the Book of James and remembered one of my professors comments about the beginning of the chapter "You can start a forest fire with a match, but not a flood with a cup of water".

I think it's time for us all to stop playing with matches. Alfred Pennyworth's line from The Dark Night will prove true: “...some of us aren't looking for anything logical, like money. We can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some of us just want to watch the world burn.”

My Church

When does a church become more than a church for a pastor? Like any relationship, it takes time. Like any relationship, it happens during the good and the bad times. Like love it sneaks up on a pastor if he's not careful. How can he love the church, the church that God's called him to pastor and care for more than God Himself. In truth, he can't. But a pastor might just dare to love that church, he might just unwittingly find himself caring for that church, he might even go so far as to refer to it as His Church.

The Church I pastor, First Baptist Advance, is just that church to me and my family. We have shared in life and I am forever grateful to you. You have helped restore my faith in God's church and the work He continues to perform thru you. 

I vividly remember my drive to our home in Oak Ridge years ago. I met Teresia on the sidewalk, our eyes met and we both knew God was calling us to serve in Advance. There were a few tears shed at that moment. We were both nervous about moving our family, would they adjust, how would we fit in. All the normal things Parents and spouses worry about before a big move. We didn't want this move to be for a short time, we wanted to commit to the church and to this community.

What I didn't expect was how I looked at you changed over the years. As a PK, I've been around pastors my entire life and from their stories formed an image of what a Pastor was to a church and how a Pastor's relationship to a church was to look. Looking back and having been here for a while it strikes me how cold a pastor can be in his relationship to the church. I've even heard some say they've washed their hands of church life or the reasons they moved was because "The church didn't want to make a change". Hmmm...what about the people? My dad gave my the best and simplest advice to be a pastor, "Love the People". That advice guides me even today.  

In my time here I tried to focus on you, not YOU as a church. You as individuals you who make up this church. That was my undoing, I fell for you as God's Church. I began to realize and understand His work in your lives. I began to see why God finds the church a beautiful place to be and why He calls it His bride. I began to understand why God wants to add others to His church.

In the past several years you have reciprocated that love time and again. Teresia and I have been humbled, we have been strengthened, we have been taken in by you. 

This is My Church, This is Our Church, You are My Church. I don't own this church. I am part of this Church. I just happen to be the Pastor. Thank you First Baptist Advance. 

Why I Became a Selfish Pastor: A letter to My Church Family

To my Church Family,

I don’t ever want you to doubt that I love you, that my devotion to you is as sure in human terms as possible. But something has changed in me about how I feel about you and the place Church has been in my life.

The past two years have brought storms to my life and family that I've never experienced before and we’ve never experienced together. And, they’ve left their mark. These events took place over a long period of time but culminated two years ago when a life event brought us together in a hospital room. Some of you understand what I’m about to describe, so I apologize in advance if this causes you distress.

Teresia woke up on a Sunday morning (Nov 2015) with chest pains. After a trip to the ER, tests were run and it was determined she probably had or was having a heart attack and needed a stent. We all gathered in her hospital room, emotions ran the gamut from shock, fear, anxiety, doubt and so many others.

In that moment God was ever faithful and revealed his presence, but also the frailty of life. I felt led to gather us and talk about what happened and the future. I talked about God’s provision but also how events like this can divide a family. The storms of life are ambivalent to you and they will smash you until you are shattered beyond recognition. God was good that year, Teresia recovered, her therapy was successful, but it was not without its lasting effects on Teresia or us.

All seemed to be going well but by summer Teresia was getting weaker, losing weight and strength. It was late October 2016 when she attended a conference with me. I was too afraid to leave her home and thought the time would allow her rest and heal. The following Monday Rebekah called me frantically at School that Teresia had collapsed in the Kitchen, Rebekah although frantic was calm enough to call an Ambulance. I made it from Woodland School in Marble Hill to the house in 12 minutes, almost beating the Ambulance.

When I arrived Teresia was comatose, eyes dilated and unresponsive. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I saw the most incredible woman I’ve ever known seemingly gone forever. I will never, ever forget that moment.

It seemed like a nightmarish repeat of a year earlier, only this time we had assumed everything was fine. After tests and several doctors visits and more tests it was determined Teresia was on some medications she no longer needed. How’s that for a kick in the pants. Teresia was healing well and no longer needed some medications and she almost died as a result! She was doing everything right and still had a close call.

One truth is apparent, had God not been with us from Oct 2015 to Nov 2016 in drawing us as a family together, had God not provided affordable insurance years earlier, had God not been with the Doctors and nurses, had God not provided transportation, had God not drawn Rebekah to care for Teresia that year and had she not been with her that morning, Teresia would not be with us today. That last fact haunts me.

I’ve been with families in the past who’ve had similar or far worse life events. I’ve held the hands of families as they turn off the machines in hospital rooms, I’ve been the first on the scene with Church members after loved ones passed, I’ve also looked into the eyes of a mother who had two still-born children in less than two years, I’ve had the funeral services of loved ones who were over 100 and for those whose coffins were small enough to be carried under your arm, I’ve been in hospital rooms when the doctors delivered bad news.

I’ve also had the greatest joy of marrying young couples and watching them begin their lives together, of being with new parents at the birth of the child, of watching a couple celebrate 50, 60 or 70 years together. I’ve had the great joy of being with families when the doctors confirmed all's well, that they’ll recover or it could have been much worse.

I’ve been doing this for 30 years, but it was the one moment seeing the love of my life almost slip through my fingers that haunts me most. I will never forget it, but I will not let it haunt me with doubt or fear. I’ve never been more sure of God’s presence or provision.

Before you think I should be a pillar of faith let’s clarify some things. First, while I don’t doubt God, I don’t have perfect faith. I don’t have perfect strength. In truth, I’ve never felt more weak or vulnerable. Teresia is the stronger of the two of us where faith is concerned. Second, I’ve become more selfish of my time with Teresia. I want to spend more time with her. Third, Teresia is the most incredible woman I know and I love her beyond even my understanding. Yes, I’m biased.

As a pastor I’ve often found myself putting the bride of Christ before my bride. Before you scold me about what it means to accept the call into ministry, walk in a Pastor’s shoes or his children’s shoes. Or his wife’s shoes. Pastor's wives & families often feel left out, even jealous that someone else is getting Dad’s time or “My Husband’s time”. Please don’t take that as resentment on my part, ANY job or occupation has the same demands. But I speak as a Pastor and as a Pastor's Kid.

The past few years I’ve re-examined myself, the time I’ve spent doing different things and why, I’m in the process of change. It has NOT been easy, but it has been worth every minute. God brought me to a hard place in my life. I was putting things before my family that I shouldn’t, I was forgetting my role as a husband and father. So, I have become selfish or at least it feels like I have because of I’ve thought for 30 years that a pastor was to act and treat the Church he was called to lead as the only thing is his life.

And I was wrong, YOU are God’s bride. He’s already saved, sanctified and redeemed you. He has a place for You, He provides for You and He watches over You, with or without a pastor. I’ve unwittingly tried to take on some of God’s roles. For that I’m truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness. The best thing I can do is to lead you to a better understanding of God, of His care and provision in your life. While I’m the Under-shepherd, Jesus is THE shepherd of the Church and I can tell you as one in His flock, He Understands Life and the storms it brings. He understands the stripes, struggles, the wounds the storms of life leave in their wake. Call on Him.

I can say without doubt God will be with you. Let Him build on that small seed of faith, Trust Him.

And most of all, relax, smell the roses, have a cup of coffee and relish the time that God gives you while on this Earth. Because if knowing God’s care and provision is this sweet in the here and now, what will it be like after you and I pass from this world into the next with Him!?

The Day My Heart Danced

     I'm sitting on the front pew at church reading my notes for the morning sermon. It's quiet and peaceful, prayer time before Sunday School had just finished and I was taking a moment to organize my thoughts for the morning. Nothing was pressing this morning, no fires to put out, it was a calm morning. That's when it happened, somebody turned the power off, at least that's what it felt like. One second I'm comfortably reading my notes the next I'm catching myself falling forward, "Whoa, what just happened?!", a split second later and I would have face planted. It took me a while to gain my senses and try to understand what just happened. I felt a little dizzy, it felt like an out of body experience. Given where it happened (in the church auditorium) I might reassess the implications.

     Several things went through my mind, "Did what happen just happen?!", "Is this what a stroke or heart attack feels like?!", I know the text book descriptions but I'm trying to self diagnosis something I've never experienced. "Should I tell Teresia?", hmm...there's always that.
     I lingered on this last one more than any other question going through my mind. Should I tell my wife the truth or just sit for a while, preach and tell her I feel tired after the morning service and take a nap. But she would know and she'd worry. I don't like worrying my wife, she's been through enough in the last several months with her own health issues that she still deals with on a daily basis. She deserves the truth. For all the machismo reasons I've used in the past not to say anything, the fact that Teresia is entitled to the truth trumps them all. If I can't be open and honest, even vulnerable, with my wife than I have more serious issues than a silly health problem. So I texted her to come to the auditorium quickly and sat waiting.
     After talking with Teresia and Vicki Phelps, who just happened to come into the auditorium and who just happens to work in the medical field (again, we're in the auditorium of church, it's a God thing), it was decided to be safe than sorry. Besides when I asked Teresia what she wanted me to do I already knew the answer, I would go to the ER even if she had to carry me. I could see the fear in her eyes. She knows all too well what I might face if it were something serious. It was a Sunday morning not 7 months ago when the roles were reversed, she was the one who was having what would be a heart attack and have to have a stint in one artery and angioplasty in another. She endured months of therapy, faithfully going and putting everything into building her strength back. All the macho reasons to sit, rest and wait it out were no match for the fear I saw in her eyes that morning.
      So we went to the ER. Or should I say we very hurriedly, with much haste, flashers on, get out of my way, tire squealing, let's test the cornering ability, rolling stops, almost parking in the ER lobby did we make our way to the hospital. BTW, Teresia was driving. I rue the officer who would have stopped her on her appointed journey. I believe Bill had a saying about a woman scorned.....anyway, we made it in record time.
     I was admitted, wires were attached, tests were run, many questions were asked (I personally liked the one about feeling safe in my house, Teresia didn't like my answer) and we waited. One of the test was taking my blood pressure lying down, sitting up and standing. There was a noticeable difference when standing (this is common in many people), so the ER doctor talked about that and I revealed that I've had these weird episodes for several years when my heart feels like it's doing the Cha-cha, I'd never passed out (syncope) when this happened in the past, so I was a little concerned hence my admission to my dancing heart.
     All said, I'm healthy. In the ER doc's own words "Your numbers are the picture of health". I like this doc, he must be a wise and understanding man. He recommended and wrote a script for a heart monitor and I was directed where I'd need to go for this medical technology. I most likely have an arrhythmia or palpitation, nothing overtly health threatening. Unfortunately, I have to wait until next week to visit the Cardiologist to find out what if anything is wrong with me.
     What's the final verdict? I'm going to die.....eventually one day. That's not being morbid, that's being real. No one lives forever. At present I don't know why I blacked out. As a pastor I've witnessed too many times the brevity of life. I'm ready. No, I have no desire to leave this world just yet but laying in a hospital bed hit me a little harder than I realized. I haven't been in this position since I was four when I had my tonsils removed. What might be wrong with me wasn't what hit me hardest. It was how it affected those around me, especially Teresia.  Emotions were all over the place, Whatever is wrong with me I can handle, but I don't like seeing how this effects her.
      Regardless what happens, she and I are good. I know that more than anything in this world. As I lay in the ER that fact was confirmed yet again. My Heart might have skipped a beat Sunday morning, but my Heart Danced almost 28 years ago. I'm good......