My Church

When does a church become more than a church for a pastor? Like any relationship, it takes time. Like any relationship, it happens during the good and the bad times. Like love it sneaks up on a pastor if he's not careful. How can he love the church, the church that God's called him to pastor and care for more than God Himself. In truth, he can't. But a pastor might just dare to love that church, he might just unwittingly find himself caring for that church, he might even go so far as to refer to it as His Church.

The Church I pastor, First Baptist Advance, is just that church to me and my family. We have shared in life and I am forever grateful to you. You have helped restore my faith in God's church and the work He continues to perform thru you. 

I vividly remember my drive to our home in Oak Ridge years ago. I met Teresia on the sidewalk, our eyes met and we both knew God was calling us to serve in Advance. There were a few tears shed at that moment. We were both nervous about moving our family, would they adjust, how would we fit in. All the normal things Parents and spouses worry about before a big move. We didn't want this move to be for a short time, we wanted to commit to the church and to this community.

What I didn't expect was how I looked at you changed over the years. As a PK, I've been around pastors my entire life and from their stories formed an image of what a Pastor was to a church and how a Pastor's relationship to a church was to look. Looking back and having been here for a while it strikes me how cold a pastor can be in his relationship to the church. I've even heard some say they've washed their hands of church life or the reasons they moved was because "The church didn't want to make a change". Hmmm...what about the people? My dad gave my the best and simplest advice to be a pastor, "Love the People". That advice guides me even today.  

In my time here I tried to focus on you, not YOU as a church. You as individuals you who make up this church. That was my undoing, I fell for you as God's Church. I began to realize and understand His work in your lives. I began to see why God finds the church a beautiful place to be and why He calls it His bride. I began to understand why God wants to add others to His church.

In the past several years you have reciprocated that love time and again. Teresia and I have been humbled, we have been strengthened, we have been taken in by you. 

This is My Church, This is Our Church, You are My Church. I don't own this church. I am part of this Church. I just happen to be the Pastor. Thank you First Baptist Advance. 

Why I Became a Selfish Pastor: A letter to My Church Family

To my Church Family,

I don’t ever want you to doubt that I love you, that my devotion to you is as sure in human terms as possible. But something has changed in me about how I feel about you and the place Church has been in my life.

The past two years have brought storms to my life and family that I've never experienced before and we’ve never experienced together. And, they’ve left their mark. These events took place over a long period of time but culminated two years ago when a life event brought us together in a hospital room. Some of you understand what I’m about to describe, so I apologize in advance if this causes you distress.

Teresia woke up on a Sunday morning (Nov 2015) with chest pains. After a trip to the ER, tests were run and it was determined she probably had or was having a heart attack and needed a stent. We all gathered in her hospital room, emotions ran the gamut from shock, fear, anxiety, doubt and so many others.

In that moment God was ever faithful and revealed his presence, but also the frailty of life. I felt led to gather us and talk about what happened and the future. I talked about God’s provision but also how events like this can divide a family. The storms of life are ambivalent to you and they will smash you until you are shattered beyond recognition. God was good that year, Teresia recovered, her therapy was successful, but it was not without its lasting effects on Teresia or us.

All seemed to be going well but by summer Teresia was getting weaker, losing weight and strength. It was late October 2016 when she attended a conference with me. I was too afraid to leave her home and thought the time would allow her rest and heal. The following Monday Rebekah called me frantically at School that Teresia had collapsed in the Kitchen, Rebekah although frantic was calm enough to call an Ambulance. I made it from Woodland School in Marble Hill to the house in 12 minutes, almost beating the Ambulance.

When I arrived Teresia was comatose, eyes dilated and unresponsive. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I saw the most incredible woman I’ve ever known seemingly gone forever. I will never, ever forget that moment.

It seemed like a nightmarish repeat of a year earlier, only this time we had assumed everything was fine. After tests and several doctors visits and more tests it was determined Teresia was on some medications she no longer needed. How’s that for a kick in the pants. Teresia was healing well and no longer needed some medications and she almost died as a result! She was doing everything right and still had a close call.

One truth is apparent, had God not been with us from Oct 2015 to Nov 2016 in drawing us as a family together, had God not provided affordable insurance years earlier, had God not been with the Doctors and nurses, had God not provided transportation, had God not drawn Rebekah to care for Teresia that year and had she not been with her that morning, Teresia would not be with us today. That last fact haunts me.

I’ve been with families in the past who’ve had similar or far worse life events. I’ve held the hands of families as they turn off the machines in hospital rooms, I’ve been the first on the scene with Church members after loved ones passed, I’ve also looked into the eyes of a mother who had two still-born children in less than two years, I’ve had the funeral services of loved ones who were over 100 and for those whose coffins were small enough to be carried under your arm, I’ve been in hospital rooms when the doctors delivered bad news.

I’ve also had the greatest joy of marrying young couples and watching them begin their lives together, of being with new parents at the birth of the child, of watching a couple celebrate 50, 60 or 70 years together. I’ve had the great joy of being with families when the doctors confirmed all's well, that they’ll recover or it could have been much worse.

I’ve been doing this for 30 years, but it was the one moment seeing the love of my life almost slip through my fingers that haunts me most. I will never forget it, but I will not let it haunt me with doubt or fear. I’ve never been more sure of God’s presence or provision.

Before you think I should be a pillar of faith let’s clarify some things. First, while I don’t doubt God, I don’t have perfect faith. I don’t have perfect strength. In truth, I’ve never felt more weak or vulnerable. Teresia is the stronger of the two of us where faith is concerned. Second, I’ve become more selfish of my time with Teresia. I want to spend more time with her. Third, Teresia is the most incredible woman I know and I love her beyond even my understanding. Yes, I’m biased.

As a pastor I’ve often found myself putting the bride of Christ before my bride. Before you scold me about what it means to accept the call into ministry, walk in a Pastor’s shoes or his children’s shoes. Or his wife’s shoes. Pastor's wives & families often feel left out, even jealous that someone else is getting Dad’s time or “My Husband’s time”. Please don’t take that as resentment on my part, ANY job or occupation has the same demands. But I speak as a Pastor and as a Pastor's Kid.

The past few years I’ve re-examined myself, the time I’ve spent doing different things and why, I’m in the process of change. It has NOT been easy, but it has been worth every minute. God brought me to a hard place in my life. I was putting things before my family that I shouldn’t, I was forgetting my role as a husband and father. So, I have become selfish or at least it feels like I have because of I’ve thought for 30 years that a pastor was to act and treat the Church he was called to lead as the only thing is his life.

And I was wrong, YOU are God’s bride. He’s already saved, sanctified and redeemed you. He has a place for You, He provides for You and He watches over You, with or without a pastor. I’ve unwittingly tried to take on some of God’s roles. For that I’m truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness. The best thing I can do is to lead you to a better understanding of God, of His care and provision in your life. While I’m the Under-shepherd, Jesus is THE shepherd of the Church and I can tell you as one in His flock, He Understands Life and the storms it brings. He understands the stripes, struggles, the wounds the storms of life leave in their wake. Call on Him.

I can say without doubt God will be with you. Let Him build on that small seed of faith, Trust Him.

And most of all, relax, smell the roses, have a cup of coffee and relish the time that God gives you while on this Earth. Because if knowing God’s care and provision is this sweet in the here and now, what will it be like after you and I pass from this world into the next with Him!?

The Day My Heart Danced

     I'm sitting on the front pew at church reading my notes for the morning sermon. It's quiet and peaceful, prayer time before Sunday School had just finished and I was taking a moment to organize my thoughts for the morning. Nothing was pressing this morning, no fires to put out, it was a calm morning. That's when it happened, somebody turned the power off, at least that's what it felt like. One second I'm comfortably reading my notes the next I'm catching myself falling forward, "Whoa, what just happened?!", a split second later and I would have face planted. It took me a while to gain my senses and try to understand what just happened. I felt a little dizzy, it felt like an out of body experience. Given where it happened (in the church auditorium) I might reassess the implications.

     Several things went through my mind, "Did what happen just happen?!", "Is this what a stroke or heart attack feels like?!", I know the text book descriptions but I'm trying to self diagnosis something I've never experienced. "Should I tell Teresia?", hmm...there's always that.
     I lingered on this last one more than any other question going through my mind. Should I tell my wife the truth or just sit for a while, preach and tell her I feel tired after the morning service and take a nap. But she would know and she'd worry. I don't like worrying my wife, she's been through enough in the last several months with her own health issues that she still deals with on a daily basis. She deserves the truth. For all the machismo reasons I've used in the past not to say anything, the fact that Teresia is entitled to the truth trumps them all. If I can't be open and honest, even vulnerable, with my wife than I have more serious issues than a silly health problem. So I texted her to come to the auditorium quickly and sat waiting.
     After talking with Teresia and Vicki Phelps, who just happened to come into the auditorium and who just happens to work in the medical field (again, we're in the auditorium of church, it's a God thing), it was decided to be safe than sorry. Besides when I asked Teresia what she wanted me to do I already knew the answer, I would go to the ER even if she had to carry me. I could see the fear in her eyes. She knows all too well what I might face if it were something serious. It was a Sunday morning not 7 months ago when the roles were reversed, she was the one who was having what would be a heart attack and have to have a stint in one artery and angioplasty in another. She endured months of therapy, faithfully going and putting everything into building her strength back. All the macho reasons to sit, rest and wait it out were no match for the fear I saw in her eyes that morning.
      So we went to the ER. Or should I say we very hurriedly, with much haste, flashers on, get out of my way, tire squealing, let's test the cornering ability, rolling stops, almost parking in the ER lobby did we make our way to the hospital. BTW, Teresia was driving. I rue the officer who would have stopped her on her appointed journey. I believe Bill had a saying about a woman scorned.....anyway, we made it in record time.
     I was admitted, wires were attached, tests were run, many questions were asked (I personally liked the one about feeling safe in my house, Teresia didn't like my answer) and we waited. One of the test was taking my blood pressure lying down, sitting up and standing. There was a noticeable difference when standing (this is common in many people), so the ER doctor talked about that and I revealed that I've had these weird episodes for several years when my heart feels like it's doing the Cha-cha, I'd never passed out (syncope) when this happened in the past, so I was a little concerned hence my admission to my dancing heart.
     All said, I'm healthy. In the ER doc's own words "Your numbers are the picture of health". I like this doc, he must be a wise and understanding man. He recommended and wrote a script for a heart monitor and I was directed where I'd need to go for this medical technology. I most likely have an arrhythmia or palpitation, nothing overtly health threatening. Unfortunately, I have to wait until next week to visit the Cardiologist to find out what if anything is wrong with me.
     What's the final verdict? I'm going to die.....eventually one day. That's not being morbid, that's being real. No one lives forever. At present I don't know why I blacked out. As a pastor I've witnessed too many times the brevity of life. I'm ready. No, I have no desire to leave this world just yet but laying in a hospital bed hit me a little harder than I realized. I haven't been in this position since I was four when I had my tonsils removed. What might be wrong with me wasn't what hit me hardest. It was how it affected those around me, especially Teresia.  Emotions were all over the place, Whatever is wrong with me I can handle, but I don't like seeing how this effects her.
      Regardless what happens, she and I are good. I know that more than anything in this world. As I lay in the ER that fact was confirmed yet again. My Heart might have skipped a beat Sunday morning, but my Heart Danced almost 28 years ago. I'm good......
   

Why We Stand

     Life is full of surprises, good and bad. Our response to either can have a powerful affect on the matters at hand, on those involved, on whole communities. Tomorrow we come together to play softball. Yes, in the face of cancer, we will play games. Disease of any type would have us stand still, for it to take control of our lives, to control our hopes & fears, our emotions, to take control of our very essence. The trials and tribulations of life want us to stop in our tracks and remain frozen by fear. 

     My friend I refuse to stand still. Tomorrow, every time we swing the bat, throw or catch the ball, it will be an act of defiance. Fear will not rule us tomorrow, nor will the unknown future haunt or cast a shadow over what we do. The aches and pains will not deter the joy of playing a simple game. We will defy cancer and disease by LIVING! We will be more than mere biology. We will not believe "Survival of the Fittest", that lie would have us believe we would be better served by doing nothing, by simply accepting our lot in life without complaint. 

     We will fight, we will fight together and we will grow stronger as a result. We will fight for those weakened by the battle for we are not alone in this world.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less....any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

John Donne, Meditations XVIII

For every pitch, for every throw, for every catch, for every hit, run or out tomorrow we will lift our cries to Heaven. We will make noise tomorrow! And, by God's grace and His good will, we will take that strength into the future. We will remember tomorrow as the Day We Stood Together.

View From the Cheap Seats

I love my family, I still pinch myself when I catch myself saying I'm a father. But I have to say, this gig is taking a lot longer than I ever imagined. Several close friends have been having babies lately, as couples in their 20's are want to do. And with these auspicious events, there ensues much joy, celebration, oodleing, ahhhing. You know, adults losing their minds at every burp, pass of gas, diaper change, yawn, smile, pretty much any action of their brilliant child (no new born's IQ is lower than 200).

Now, before you stop reading or call me an Ole' Grouch, let me explain my observations. Parenthood is the biggest "Bait N' Switch" in life. I don't mean that to sound as if I don't like being a father. I absolutely love it. And if you're my age, you'll get exactly what I said. Having a child is a gift that keeps giving and changes every single day. My oldest child alone has been a gift that has given and changed over Eight Thousand Four Hundred times! Let me say that again, 8400! I myself have been giving my parents non-stop joy over 17,000 different days! No need to thank me mom and dad.

I remember seeing the look of parents who had older or adult children as I or my wife would tell them about our children, sometimes they seemed ambivalent. That bothered me at times and even upset me at other times. How can they not see and appreciate my child's uniqueness and brilliance?!?! They were excited and shared in the joy of our children, but it didn't match our excitement or joy. That was a mistake and misunderstanding on my part. Parents can share in the joy of parenting, but complete appreciation of a child is only possible for that child's parents. I realized I was indirectly asking them to admit my child(ren) was more brilliant or unique than theirs. See where I'm going, Parents get to share and need to share in the experience of parenting, but parenting comes down to mom and dad.

God knows this truth and David wrote about it in Proverbs 22:6;

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

I've struggled with this verse from day one. Hidden within that first half (the underlined part) is the most difficult challenge a parent will face, recognizing how your child has been designed by God and working toward that "bent". That's the meaning of "in the way he should go", working to understand their unique design and enabling that for success. No pressure.

Most parents (including us!) try to mold a child in their own image. Big mistake, that's already been done by God. Your children will resemble you, too closely at times. But at the end of the day, they are their own person.


Here's my advice to new parents and it's not original or unique: Enjoy every day. You're in this for the long haul, you have thousands of days before you and you need to conserve your energy. What's unique and original is your child, NOT what they are doing because every kid has done the same thing. Pay attention to how or why they do something or why they don't. Your child is unique and original, there's no one else in the world who's ever been like them or will be like them. You will need God to help you. I'm more and more convinced parenting is the biggest leap of faith anyone can undertake.

God's Speed.....

That Brief Moment...

Have you experienced a brief moment when time slows down, sounds diminishes and it's just you and the moment? Your mind is neither in the moment nor somewhere else, you experience the moment detached. Those moments are triggered by a song, smell, a location, comment or when your mind just slips into neutral. The mind wanders in free fall.

Fall has this particular affect, it has a particular smell. It smells like football, hay rides, crayon colored leaves, golden sunsets and not too hot or not too cool Norman Rockwell days. It's as if the world is saying "You've had a busy spring and summer, slow down and rest".  The days become shorter, the sun light is on three-quarter power and a golden hue paints the days rosy. The world is slowing down, rejuvenating itself in preparation for winter and spring.

Spring has that effect on me as well as the earth begins to stretch and move with vigor in it's step. It's also that time of the year I love, Softball and Baseball being played. I love the sounds, smells and look of a ball field. Hotdogs and popcorn, the feel of the dirt, the crack of a bat, the pop of a glove, the sound of cleated feet running the bases and the roar of the crowd. Major league stadiums are a grand experience, I've been in several, but Softball and Baseball are pure small town America.

Spring is in the air. And so is BALL! PLAY BALL!

Face Off

I love and hate facebook. Don't get me wrong, facebook has helped me more than once. But we need to be realistic, facebook is a marketing/ad company. And as such the more information they gather about you the more money they can make off of you. I don't have an issue with that, companies & businesses have always tried to understand their customers. It helps make them better companies.

That's not why I'm weary of facebook. It's the users. I'm amazed at what people will say or reveal on facebook. Truly, truly amazed. We've invented a digital playground where barbs can be thrown from the safety of our living rooms (or basements, the pajama jihad) with little or no fear of reprisal. Here's a simple test to see if what you are about to type should be posted: would you say it to the person(s) face to face. You may say, "Why Eric that is a fantastic idea!", to which I would reply "Yeah, but it's not my idea and it doesn't really work today". That's the point, facebook users can be unfiltered.

Why? Because Facebook has the potential to become our own reality show. You know the type where those being filmed are living a real life drama? Truthfully, most of that drama is staged. The public at large has lost it's appetite for the contrite soap opera of yesteryear and has taken a shine to reality shows. We love to watch the angst of others. We love to watch people fight verbally, tossing jabs at one another with the conviction of self-righteousness. I believe if an intrepid individual created a reality show with a church's staff as the characters, Christians would be glued to their TVs. "Did you see Sister Sarah and Brother Bob go at it over the choir robes!?! My, My!"

We become our own characters in the drama. That's the power and effect facebook exerts over it's members when we are left to our own devices. But, it's not Facebook's fault, it's just a platform. We love a good platform on which we can stand and show the world our brilliance. We haven't changed much through history. In the early days of telephones most local operators were known to stay on the line and listen in on private conversations. Now we could care less who hears what we say, most believe the world would be better off if they'd just listen to them.

I grow weary seeing/reading these type of posts. I wish people were different.

Ironically as I sit in front of my PC using technology to vent my thoughts using another technological wonder, blogging. I realize my biggest fear; Me. I have to watch what I say. For no other reason than not putting my foot in my mouth. I'm better now than I was when younger. I understand now things I spoke stung me more than my intended victim. That's the lesson we all need to learn. Words bite, whether spoken, typed, texted, emailed, or video recorded. They can hang in the aether to come crashing down in the future on the speaker as a painful reminder of past pride. Many of my words in the past haunt me in the present. I so want to take them back.

James teaches a wise lesson in the biblical book that shares his name. In chapter 3 (I'll paraphrase) he says this, the tongue is wicked, it can set a forest on fire by the smallest of words. Yet it can also praise God, there is hope.

Perhaps we need a different platform, one that doesn't put us front and center.